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April 2006
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
Compiled by Mike Calahan
GREATEST LEGAL BATTLE OF ALL TIME
There are a lot of preparations in motion for ArnoCorps' European tour.
Venues have to be booked, advertisements need to be placed, shirts and CD's
are being produced in bulk. But as Anthony Kallendell adds, "I have more
work than I'd ever imagined."
Anthony Kallendell, Esq., an attorney with the London firm of Smythe
and Stonehend, has begun something which most other Western lawyers would
consider unprecedented. He explains: "I've been made aware by a woman who
shall remain anonymous that this ArnoCorps has in its midst a musician of
questionable renown, one Toten Adler, who is a chronic collector of, shall
we say, women's virtues. Based on information I have received, I did some
research into this Adler fellow and what I came up with was pattern of
harassment, insults and utter disrespect for the fairer sex. I, for one, do
not plan to let this rock and roller think he has diplomatic immunity to
harass."
For the past two months, Mr. Kallendell has begun taking on dozens of
potential clients from all walks of life whom he feels may be possible
victims of Toten's harassment. "Of course, there is no guarantee that any of
these women will be groped by Mr. Adler, but I am beginning the paperwork on
what I hope to be hundreds of harassment suits. If Mr. Adler exposes even
just one of these women to his disregard for chivalry, I shall be there to
serve him with papers and begin tipping the scales of justice."
Mr. Kallendell had one message for the ArnoCorps bassist, "Act like a
gentleman in my country, Mr. Adler, or I assure you, you will feel the wrath
of the English."
Upon hearing this, Toten Adler replied to the London lawyer via email.
'Dear Tony K, thanks for setting up the English babes. I hear a lot of
English babes got screwed up teeth, but, hey, after about ten pints I ain't
gonna care if they're headless as long as they got a nice wrath, know what
I'm saying? Come on! Toten Adler.'
ORGANIZING THE TROOPS
Although generally excited about the upcoming tour, some members of
ArnoCorps have expressed individual concerns. One big thing is making sure
that Der Wölf has all of his shots up to date because, as Holzfeuer says,
"Dis band has had a lot of turmoil that's boiled over into chaos, so I would
be hating for our tour to hit the brick of a wall because Der Wölf is
getting stopped at the airport for having mange. He hates getting the shots
on his glutes, so we will slip a knockout pill in his food and take him to
the doctor for his updates."
Guitarist Vielmehr Klampfe has concerns of his own. "As I am not yet
born yet, I do not have a passport book with my face on it. I am in the
process of buying one from these men in an alley, but I need to be deciding
which one I want to be. Either I will be a 64-year old named Biehn Nguyen or
a buxom woman named Inga Stolkheim."
When asked what he might do if he is stopped at customs, Vielmehr
replied, "We were getting readied for that. Barrakuda and I were unsure
which customs they would might ask us about, so we are buying books about
all. For examples, I can answer them about the sacrificial customs of the
extinct tribe of Kuthamen and Barrakuda can talk of the mating customs of
the Himalayan fuzzy bunnies."
Hearing his subject of expertise, Barrakuda piped in, "Thirty
seconds." –then, looking down with the pouting mouth of a child, added,
"Mmm. Jealous."
Drummer Gellend Adler's only concern about the trip was safety. Not
his own or that of his bandmates, but for the safety of those corrupt wheat
growers who held him captive for so many years. "I am wanting to return to
the encampment where I pushed the wheel of pain for most of all of my life
as I think it will help me move on emotionally and stop wetting the cot.
But, I swear to Crom, if I see any of those men there, I may go ballsylistic
on them. I will not be holding responsible if I muster up all the power of
Arno, right, and just smoke their goddamn faces. Get ready, wheat growers!
Gellend is coming back! And this time I have people who will fight for me...
and also my brother Toten will be there."
Austrian officials had scoured the mountains where Gellend was
reportedly held, but the camp appeared to have been expediently moved and no
clues were left. Still, Gellend is positive he can locate the spot he called
home for so many years. "The area is still there over there. I can sniff it
out like the dog sniffing for a kitten who has flour on its tail because it
walked through the goddamn kitchen. Exactly."
No one here at the AAP is quite sure what that meant, but a warning to
those mysterious captors should be assumed.
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