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January 2006
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
Compiled by Mike Calahan
ARNOCORPS IN THE PRESS!
UK and European heroes - be sure to pick up the new issue of Zero Tolerance magazine, which features a two-page spread interview with ArnoCorps! Also check out the January issue of Total Guitar, Europe's #1 selling guitar magazine, which also features a ballsy interview! Go!!!
PUMPING IN THE NEW YEAR
ArnoCorps has always been an ardent supporter of New Year's resolutions. Whether it's a male fan wanting to lose his "booby weight" or someone just wanting to better themselves through education, ArnoCorps will always tell that person to simply go for it, not to put it off any longer...."Do it! Do it now!"
The members of ArnoCorps were each asked if they themselves had any New Year's resolutions and, if so, what they were. The answers went as follows:
Bassist Der Wölf said, "I am hoping to no more growling at the mailman. He is good, not to coming to stealing letters. The red mailing flag on box is signaling to mailman, not a warning to me to... 'look out, here he comes!'
"Also, I will to sleep in my bed, not at foot of Gellend's cot and eat my own dinners at table with the band on my own plate, not eating from Vielmehr's hand.
"Last, also, I will finishing to read of Vladimir Kolotov's Binary and Finite Mathematics & the Space-Time Continuum."
Guitarist Vielmehr Klampfe answered, "I already know what each coming year has in store, I know how history unfolds. All I can do is assist it or try to change it, depending on the particular situation in particular, there. For examples, 2006 will need me to do two very important things: First of alls, I need to help make sure we play a show in May at a specific location because an audience member in the audience will be so inspired, that they will someday go on to make history by proving the existence of the Jager (i.e. Hunter, Predator) of the Bohemian Forest. Secondsly, I need to make sure that I keep Inzo locked inside the HQ on March 22. If I don't, he will meet a woman who is obsessively obsessed with ArnoCorps and, well, push comes to a shovel, there will be a spawn of Inzo's that will terrify generations. It will have barracuda teeth and...(gasp) Inzo's likeness. I shudder at the horrors."
Drummer Gellend Adler said his only resolution for 2006 is... "to create a new giant wheel that you push and for it randomly picks numbers that you have selected priorlously by putting tokens on a board of numbers. If the wheel is pushed and stops on your number, you win some sort of prize for winning. It'll be fantastic! Its a lot like the wheel of pain, except that you can win your choice of pies. Come on, pies!"
Guitarist Inzo der Barrakuda was asked what resolutions he had for himself or for the betterment of the world in which we live to which he answered, "Hmmmm. Light bulbs."
Bassist Toten Adler anxiously said, "Man, this year is gonna be different, let me tell you. I'm gonna not harass any ladies, unless they're wearing a skirt, 'cuz then they're just asking for it, right? Also, I'm gonna try to only be in court no more than seven times in 2006 and, every one of those times I do go, I'm gonna make double goddamn sure that I'm not wearing my toreador pants. Also, instead of paying the money the judge ordered me to pay that woman that I supposedly groped, I'm gonna get one of those Tivo's. That shit's cool. Besides, what's the fun in paying her? What do I get out of that? But, Tivo...I can rewind boobies! Alright!"
Lead vocalist Holzfeuer thought long and hard about the coming year. "Lemme tell you something, I thought 2005 was a great goddamn year over there. We got the album distributions in Europe, we got press in the magazines and the press, fantastic! I’m looking forward to looking ahead to '06 because it's gonna make '05 look like a little baby going, 'Oh, I made doody in my diaper, mommy. Whaa, whaa. I'm just a little year with no feet.' You know what I'm saying? If '06 is going to come on like a gang member with a headband, then '05 will be looking like the Johnny Capone with a hat on his head. Exactly!"
ARNOCORPS MAILBOX
Here at the AAP, we receive a lot of messages from fans. One such e-mail went as follows:
Received 12/27/05
Dear ArnoCorps,
At 243 pounds, I'm figuring out that my diet sucks, so I decided no more cheeseburgers and fried cheese sticks with chili on the side for dipping and extra cheese to sprinkle on top of the chili when I’m done eating it with the cheese sticks and wanna just eat it like chili because sometimes chili is just chili and needs to be eaten so. Only problem is I don't like fruit and I think vegetables taste like crap unless they're fried to hide the taste. What sorta things should I eat to lose some of this weight so that I can start exercising and start putting on some weight?
Signed sincerely,
Dale Dalton
Benchfield, Missouri
This letter was passed along to Holzfeuer who is the dietary planner for the band.
Dear Dale,
Thanks for writing a letter to the mailbox. I'm very busy with the new Tivo and I didn't have time to read your written letter, so I had Toten Adler read it and give me the gyps of it. From what he told me, here is my answer to you....Congratulations on starting a business! I have never heard of your chili, but I will try it if I see it on the shelves at the grocery market.
Stay heroic,
Holzfeuer
*** As always, fanmail is welcomed and encouraged of all fans. If anyone has letters or comments for ArnoCorps, please send them to recon@arnocorps.com
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