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July 2005
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
Compiled by Mike Calahan
As ArnoCorps fans around the globe anxiously await the band’s forthcoming CD, the AAP has been teemed with letters about the goings-on of the band, their personal lives and bicep sizes. In no particular order, here are answers to just a handful of such letters:
To Brian from Fort Wayne, Ind. --Of Holzfeuer...No, it is not an implant. It is, in fact, real.
To D.B. from Peru --Of Toten Adler...Once, but it was a wild night and he has since developed allergies.
To Lanz from Berlin --Of Der Wölf...He does not lift his leg when he pees.
To Emily L. from Las Vegas, NV --Of Inzo der Barakuda...Your guess is as good as anyone’s.
Hopefully this has helped shed some light on those burning questions.
Scratch and Sniffle
Last week, Vielmehr Klampfe, guitarist and watchdog of the future, strolled into a convenience store near the ArnoHQ in Berkeley, California. As he explained it, “I went into the convent store to get some Red Bull, a bag of wheat germ, some fruit and a cheese-filled pepperoni stick. The cashier man asked if I wanted to purchase a scratching card, so I said, ‘Sure, what have I got that’s loose?’ Outside, a stinky man held out his hand as many coins jingled in his palm. Thanking him, I took a quarter and began to removing the silver residue from the scratching card. I couldn’t make hen or tails out of the numerical references, so I brought it back into the convent store.”
The cashier then told Vielmehr that he had won $15,000. He was informed that, in order to claim the prize, Vielmehr must fill out the back and send it to the address given. A few days later, Vielmehr received a letter at his PO Box from the State of California claiming that the prize would NOT be paid. Reading further, the lottery officials claimed that no records showed that such a person named Vielmehr Klampfe existed and, therefore, could not receive any prizes.
Although understandably upset, Vielmehr knew he had no recourse. Being from the future, Vielmehr Klampfe technically doesn’t exist yet. “There is nothing I can do. The moneys is lost and all I can do is make stew about it. Gellend Adler, who sometimes doubts that I come from the future, asked me, why didn’t I know this would happen? I tells him I don’t know everything about the future, but what I do know, I am positive. This always scares him because of the prophecy I made about middle-aged Gellend becoming the face on billboards for Thick Fuzzy Shag Underwear.”
Live 8 Through This
On July 2, millions of people around the globe watched (in person, via satellite, on-line) as simultaneous concerts took place under the name of Live 8. These same millions have hailed it as a triumph. Members of ArnoCorps disagree.
Lead vocalist Holzfeuer, who monitored the events on his picture receiving unit, began making calls to the media to vent his disgust. “I telephoned dozens of the media peoples on the phone and told them what was happening. I wanted to blow the lid off of this fiasco, twice and for all. When I got thems on the phone, I stated the facts and told them to roll with the ball. I waited and waited and even sat waiting, but no one ever broadcasted the story.” (note: in the background, Toten Adler could be heard chuckling at the mentioning of the word ‘broad’).
The AAP contacted some of its sister news services to get some answers as to what happened. An anonymous member of CBS radio told us about his conversation with Holzfeuer: “He asked if I was watching Live 8 and I said I was. He had me flip to different channels in order to see it from other locations. I did and asked what his point was. He told me that these were all different band members claiming to be this Live 8, that no ‘CD albums’ have ever been made by such a band and that it was ‘unpossible’ for a band to play that many shows at one time, that only ‘the Santa man’ could cover that much space in a short time. I thanked him for his concern and hung up.”
After an attempt at explaining the situation, Holzfeuer only shook his head. “They’ve gotten to you, too. Well, we are not afraid of speaking up the truth. I challenge this Live 8 to play against ArnoCorps and we’ll see who the standing band is.”
Jumping in, bassist Toten Adler added, “I’m pretty sure Live 8 is a band. Didn’t they do that song ‘Me So Horny’?”
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