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03.11.03
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps
Press
compiled by M. Calahan
HOMELAND SECURITY INVESTIGATION
On March 4, a twelve-man Berkeley swat team raided the secret headquarters of ArnoCorps. Acting on information divulged to them by Homeland Security advisor Tom Ridge, the heavily armed squad infiltrated the secret locale with orders to arrest all inside. Going on surveillance info, the team was expected to find all ArnoCorps members, they were shocked to find only one, bassist Toten Adler, eating a protein bar.
Sgt. Dwight Russett, the12-year veteran who led the assault, described the events that followed. "Our pointman busted through the door calling for all
inside to put their hands up. A second voice was heard yelling, 'Well, goddamn!', which was followed by the officer falling back out, his head in serious medical attention. He'd been struck with the business end of a bass
guitar. When that happens, you move onto plan B."
Sgt. Russett ordered tear gas canister to be launched into the ArnoCorps
facility. Donning gas masks, the swat team again rushed into the building. "Normally when someone is exposed to the gas," the Sgt. explained, "they
don't last too long. Two minutes tops. However, when we entered, we found
Mr. Adler spraying air freshener. I believe it was Summer Garden. 'I just
had this shirt dry cleaned, you assholes!' he yelled at us. 'You know how
hard it is to get cream cheese out of rayon?'"
"The gas seemed to have almost no effect on Mr. Adler, at all. When one of
my men grabbed the suspect's arm so as to haul him out, Adler began swinging his bass wildly. Three of my men received severe concussions."
Once downtown, Adler was interrogated by FBI agents regarding a suspicious
e-mail sent to him by lead singer Holzfeuer. The message read cryptically,
'We must kill gwb'. Convinced they had stumbled upon a conspiracy to harm
the President, Homeland Security officials decided to take action. For five
hours, Adler was interrogated extensively with no results. The FBI report
stated that the only information divulged by Adler were his name and brand of bass.
Hours after the assault, Holzfeuer entered the police headquarters to report
the disappearance of bassist Toten Adler. Security cameras scanning all
incoming persons, transmitted Holzfeuer's face to a federal data base and it
came back positive. The orders were 'Arrest Immediately. Wanted In Possible
Conspiracy'. As he began filling out a missing persons report on his friend
and bandmate, three officers rushed in in an attempt to detain the suspect.
An officer who wishes to remain anonymous added, "I saw the whole thing.
Three of them grabbed this guy dressed in dark cammo, but he flung one face down into the floor and held another to the ground beneath his knee. When a fourth and fifth officer jumped into the mix, it got crazy. Utter chaos
broke out. The man, Holzfeuer, still holding the pen, yelled out, 'Get ready
to meet Crom' and squeezed his fist tight. Ink went everywhere. I'd never
seen anything like it...and I was in Vietnam."
The following morning, Adler and Holzfeuer strutted out of the police
building free of charges. When asked about this, Adler said, "They didn't
have shit, buncha pansies."
"They were thinking we were killing the President cowboy guy," Holzfeuer
laughed, lighting up his first stogie in hours. "I look my nose down at him,
but I don't threaten violence. He's a puppet oil feigling. We educate about
the power of Arno. Is that a crime?"
When asked about the GWB in the email, Toten answered, "Oh that. I had
played a gig with an acoustic bass. The band took a vote whether to let me
keep it. Holzfeuer emailed to 'kill the girly wooden bass'."
Before the two rode off on Holzfeuer's motorcycle, it was asked if either of them resented the government and its paranoia. "Nah," responded Toten Adler, "I got a free soda an' shit, so that's cool."
RECORD BREAKER?
It was just announced that ArnoCorps drummer, Gellend Adler, will
attempt to break the world's record for longest drum solo. For months rumors have circulated from numerous sources, but this is the first confirmation ArnoCorps has given.
The current record holder, Stevie Crotch, drummer for now defunct
Pittsburgh metal band, Serpent Tits, says he is not concerned about losing
the title he‚s held since 1982. "Sixteen hours, fourteen minutes and
twenty-two seconds," Crotch scoffed. "Ain't nobody gonna beat that, man. I
was so coked out that day, I couldn't've stopped if I wanted to. So, nah, I
ain't worried, especially not about some kid from Croatia or whatever the
hell he's from."
In response, Gellend said, "I already begun training. I can do 18 hours
by June, no problemo."
Upon viewing a recorded Adler performance, Stevie Crotch waved off the
drummer as a flash in the pan. "I'm not sweatin' it. He's got cool hair,
though. I'll give him that."
We will continue to follow this story as it unfolds.
ARNOCORPS FEEDBACK
Here at the AAP, we receive a lot of feedback from fans. One such e-mail
went as follows:
Dear ArnoCorps,
Living in Mississippi, I don't get no chance to see y'all. When you
gonna tour round these parts. I'd sure love to see y'all.
Big goddamn fan,
Gerald Boone
The letter was passed onto ArnoCorps guitarist, Schlagbolzen, who
responded to the letter.
Dear Gerald,
Fans are good. Right now, we play only shows in the US. Hoping to
someday to play subcontinents, but plans are not yet.
Keep rocking sincerely,
Schlagbolzen
If you have letters or comments for ArnoCorps, please email us.
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