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03.25.03
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps
Press
compiled by M. Calahan
THE CASUALTIES OF ROCK
Here at the AAP, we get more info than we know what to do with. But, we double check all sources in order to provide ArnoCorps‚ fans with up to date and factual information. In the last week, it seems the band has taken its lumps. Because of these unexpected occurrences, the ArnoCorps lineup is forced to change, however temporary. As lead singer Holzfeuer put it to me earlier this evening in a phone interview, "The band had has many dead and lost, but we keep trucking on. These setbacks will not prevail. ArnoCorps is greater than the bitch Fate."
INZO MISSING
On Friday morning March 14, Holzfeuer went to the storage room behind Pleasant Valley Funeral Parlor inhabited by guitarist Inzo. After knocking several times upon the sheet metal door, Holzfeuer bashed through. "What the hell‚s going on around here?" he called and waited for an answer, but one never came.
Holzfeuer took note of his guitarist‚s home. The guitar, the two shirts, the pair of socks. All of Inzo‚s belongings were gone. Written on the wall was a message from Inzo. Never one for running off at the mouth, Inzo had scrawled only one word: Gone.
For the time being, Inzo is listed as MIA.
SCHLAGBOLZEN INJURED
The following week, another tragedy. While doing lifts, Schlagbolzen was injured when a 60 lb weight fell from the bar. Thinking it may have been a pastry, Schlagbolzen attempted to catch it. In doing so, he received a severe fracture to his wrist. Doctors estimate a recovery time of 8 weeks. Hearing this status, Schlagbolzen roared with laughter. "They not must know who I am. 8 weeks is for baby with cholic."
This injury serves to remind us that ArnoCorps training is extremely rigorous. Then again, that is why they are ArnoCorps and not a skinny emo band.
HALSTUCHA RETURNS
In what can only be described as an eerie coincidence, ArnoCorps previous guitarist, missing for almost a year under mysterious circumstances, came home. With no explanation of her whereabouts or why she was wearing a hospital dressing gown and slippers, Halstucha asked for sanctuary at the secret AC headquarters.
Holzfeuer added, "Her training will be grueling, but necessary to return her physique of Arno."
When asked if he was glad his old bandmate had returned, Toten Adler shrugged, "Whatever."
Drummer Gellend Adler added, "Halstucha coming back is like history repeating itself. Many events in time are circular in this way. Circular like a giant wheel. Like the Wheel of Pain."
When asked to comment on the situation, Halstucha said only that, "The future is still not set. It can change. There are many futures." --she then added, "Why didn‚t I get a fruitcup? The others got fruitcups with their shock treatments."
VIELMEHR'S STORY REVEALED
At recent shows, stunned audiences have witnessed the fantastic new addition to ArnoCorps, Vielmehr Klampfe. His sanity may be questionable, but his ability to play guitar is without comparison. We at the AAP would like to extend a warm welcome to Vielmehr.... and ask him to stop calling us at midnight and asking if we sponsor the evil DeciTech Corporation. For the last time, no one knows what you‚re talking about.
Read about his arrival on the Bios page.
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