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11.17.03
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by M. Calahan
HOMECOMING KING?
Anyone who knows the almost unbelievable history behind lead singer Holzfeuer and his homeland will be astounded, once again. Due to the government's ironic disapproval of the earlier incarnations of ArnoCorps and the music the band delivered (the promotion of heroic values found in ancient lore to a public who had long forgotten these principles), Holzfeuer's citizenship had long ago been revoked and his name entered in documents as an enemy of the state.
Recently, on Nov. 2, Holzfeuer received an unexpected letter from the Austrian embassy in New York. In it, the ambassador was 'proud to announce' that Holzfeuer's period as expatriate was coming to an end. Immediately, the lead singer of ArnoCorps made a collect call to verify the letter's authenticity. It, in fact, was real. As the ambassador explained, the sudden resurgence of enthusiasm at the accomplishments of Austrian-Americans had brought about a tourism boom not seen since the great bratwurst cook-off of 1924. Along with this, the popularity of ArnoCorps' music was having a long awaited impact on Austrian culture. Once looked down upon as 'lies' and 'falsities' by many government-sponsored scholars, the ancient lore and mythology the band preaches has found its way into the halls of academia. At the University of Innsbruck, the lyrics are used to demonstrate meaning in the class 'Heroic Archetypes in Ancient Lore'. This class, which had never seen more than ten students per term, has become the most popular class at Innsbruck. As a result, Holzfeuer was being welcomed back as an Austrian citizen.
To the ambassador's shock, the expected cries of gratitude from the other end of the phone were replaced by the crushing of the receiver (after being chewed mercilessly by a perfect set of Austrian teeth). When asked why he refused the invitation to reclaim his citizenship, Holzfeuer explained, "To hell with them! Their actions cannot to be erased so simply in my viewing. They turned their puny backs on me a first time, why should I give them second chances? I cannot even speak Austrian, any longer more." (Holzfeuer had ceased speaking his native language out of protest for his government's actions against him) "By now, I am fluent in the English speaking. Most peoples don't know I'm from another country. My grammar is in such fantastic shape, its like a bicep!"
An example to those of us wrestling with our own ethical deliberations, Holzfeuer remains true to himself. "I passed through the birth canal in Austria, but I was made in America! And here is where I will stay here!"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
This month, at an undisclosed location in Austria, on an exact date we're not really sure of, a woman (whose name we don't know) will give birth to Astrid Samenbank. Throughout most of her life, Astrid will be insignificant and seemingly useless. However, if our source is right (and sane), in the year 2039, Astrid will give birth to ArnoCorps' lead guitarist, Vielmehr Klampfe. "It will be exactly 9 months after she meets mein vater," Klampfe explains, as he stares through me with the eyes of a dozen asylum inmates. "The two will go through an unprotected mating ritual after they get trashed on homemade schnapps. You go, mama!"
When asked if he truly comprehended the rare fortune of being alive at the birth of one's own mother, Klampfe replied, "You know who's got good schnapps? Gellend Adler. He mixes it cranberries. Its fantastic! Also, Halstucha left her sporting bra hanging in the shower, after rehearsal. I mean, come on!"
Never comfortable being alone in a room with Klampfe, I answered with a cordial, "Thank you for your time," and got the hell away from him.
ARNOCORPS MAILBOX
Here at the AAP, we receive a lot of messages from fans. One such e-mail went as follows:
Hey ArnoCorps,
I saw your show on Halloween. It sucked. You guys walked around saying you were from Australia or whatever, but it was such an obvious act. The only cool part was when your bassist felt up some hot chick. Other than that, it sucked. I was so pissed off that I smashed a bottle against some dude's face on my way out.
After finally seeing you, I didn't buy a word of it. I feel cheated.
Up Yours,
Brent
The letter was passed along to Schlagbolzen to aid in his mastering the English language.
Dear Brent,
I am having no idea who tried selding you words, but I swear to Crom it was not us. We only selled letter T shirts, sticker pins and CD records. I feel sick in my bone when I hear about someone cheating money out of another someone. Let this be warned to all our fans, don't buy words from peoples not in ArnoCorps. Also, if we catch whoever selded the words to Brent, I will personally grind you up and smoke your face!
Up yours sincerely,
Schlagbolzen
Fanmail is welcomed and encouraged of all fans. If anyone has letters or comments for ArnoCorps, please send them to recon@arnocorps.com.
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