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October 2007
Update from the AAP -Associated ArnoCorps Press
compiled by Mike Calahan
ARNOCORPS THIS SATURDAY: ESSENTIAL
The San Francisco Chronicle has chosen ArnoCorps' upcoming performance at
The Stork Club this Saturday, October 20th for it's short list of
"Essentials" this weekend:
http://www.sfgate.com/
TERMINATED? ARNOCORPS FACES COPYRIGHT BATTLE
To quote ArnoCorps bassist, Der Wölf, a feat not as simple as one might
think, "Unless you've been keeping your belongings in a cave because you are
paying rent to live there, you know the Terminator story. Only a handful of
years in the world's entire world history stands out as significant, right
there. 1492, that's when that guy found spaghetti noodles. 1776, when
mankind learned to write with feathers. But, one of the most famoused year
of those years is the year 399BC. In this cases, BC standing for 'Ballsy
Cotgreave!' Exactly."
In 399BC, Hans "the Terminator" Cotgreave, the Illyrian legend goes,
single-handedly protected his land from Celtic invaders by implementing
extreme force and heartless brutality. Word of Hans Cotgreave was spread
quickly by surviving invaders who returned to their country, shells of the
men they once were, with tales of a man who killed without emotion, whose
eyes were vacuous of a soul and, despite the increasing number of wounds he
received, time and time again, seemed unstoppable and impervious to pain.
The following year, Hans Cotgreave was knighted and is, to this day, revered
as a legendary figure, portraits of his exploits hang in history museums,
his image engraved in stone and wood and even sewn into doilies. "To put it
into perspectives," added Der Wölf, "he is a legend to Europes what Danny
Crockett or Jesse Jones or Gumby is to the US."
Anyone who knows ArnoCorps' music knows that legends are what they are all
about: Heroic tales of "ballsy" defiance, of metaphorically kicking ass and,
for those who are literate, taking names. It has been that desperate and
voracious need for heroic tales that has pushed ArnoCorps' music into
international ear. Now, the descendents of Hans Cotgreave want to change
that.
Hans Cotgreave XXXVII, a breeder of sheep dogs in the town of Feldkirch, and
his wife, Danske, are attempting to gain an injunction against the band to,
not only stop using the song Terminator, but to be granted ownership of the
copyright. In a statement, Mr. Cotgreave claims, "ArnoCorps has made many of
dollars from their song about my ancestor and have not shared any of it. My
heir, my cut of profits."
Holzfeuer simply laughs off the claim. "It is tales for everyone because
these tales they belong to everyone, there." Lighting a stogie, he adds,
"These babies can put on their diapers and cry to our lawyer."
"A legend cannot be copyrighted. Its as simple as that," says ArnoCorps
attorney Paul Marquiwitz, posing below his framed certification from the
semi-accredited Daniel Webster College (an on-line school offering degrees
in law as well as jewelry appraisal and typing). "You can't put a copyright
on, ya know, the Trojan Horse or Jesus or Mickey Mouse. It's just absurd.
But, I'm not surprised someone's trying to steal some thunder. I mean, if a
person is successful, there's always going to be somebody else who thinks
they deserve a piece of that person's pie. Its a story as old as Timex."
According to information received from an overseas court, the Cotgreaves are
asking for 25% of the profits from the ArnoCorps song, Terminator. At this,
the members of ArnoCorps laugh the heartiest. As the ArnoCorps accountant,
who refused to be named or interviewed in person, currently has the books
set up, the band is, technically, not making enough of a profit for even one
person live on. Sure, the album and other merchandise has sold worldwide,
but the band has had some interesting deductions:
Drummer Gellend Adler has saved the band an unspecified amount by writing
off the gallons of body oil he purchases from Costco. Not only is it
necessary for showing off in front of the numerous mirrored walls inside the
Arno HQ, but it is also a business expense. "The oil is like a wheel,"
Gellend adds, "you put it on, you work out, you look good in front of the
mirrors, then you can rub a skillet over your pectorals and fry up some eggs
for dinner, so that you have energy to work out more."
All of Der Wölf's kibble, Dom Perignon and pee pads have been written off as
a business expense because Der Wölf is considered security for Arno HQ.
Vielmehr Klempf says of his own savings, "Ha! I am from the future. I save
money because I don't exist. Exactly. No birth record certificate, no
numeric tax ID numbers. I exist, but I can't pay taxes. I'm like a plant."
Holzfeuer adds that he has been able to deduct, "...fuels and funny posters
for the ArnoVan, face paint, stogies, all these kinds of things. Another
example there, when we train, we like to get away from the bustle and bustle
of the city. Each time we get away, we can deduct the chopper rentals. It's
ballsier than driving a Hyundai or a Hitachi, it's faster than digging a
tunnel, it's sexier and, if you listen closer with your ears, you can hear
the chopper blade saying, 'Scr-ew yo-u, tax-es'."
The band's biggest savings, however, have come from bassist Toten Adler. "I
like to help out, I'm a giver. I've got a heart the size of my balls, ya
know what I mean?! So, I take myself to the Booby Club. I can lean over to
the guy next to me and tell him I'm in ArnoCorps and, right there, business
expense. If I buy that guy a drink, that's an entertainment expense. Many of
these boobies are working their ways through school to be law people or
medicine people or nuns, so I give them money in their underwear. Forget
about it! Educational donations!" - Since becoming a member of ArnoCorps,
Toten Adler has accrued business expenses totaling more than $237,000.
Guitarist Inzo der Barrakuda decided to replenish the earth by donating his
seed to local sperm banks, both at home and while on tour. By adding up the
volume of these "drop offs", Barrakuda then claimed that amount as a loss. On
his 2006 taxes, he sought deductions due to a personal loss of 136 fluid
ounces. This claim was later rejected by the IRS.
Technically, after all of the write-offs, ArnoCorps only makes a very, very
small amount of money. What does this mean? If a court decides in their
favor, the Cotgreave heirs will be awarded upwards of $67 USD. With this
knowledge at hand, they still pursue ArnoCorps with their claim of
entitlement.
"I'm approaching it like a game of chess," says Mr. Marquiwitz. "Well, maybe
checkers, actually. There are so many rules in chess that I don't get...
But, anyway, my point is that I am going to wait for them to make their
move."
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